I Wish That I Could Tell You
by wolvesjr34
Summary: Companion piece to Precious Pain and Everything I do. Five years down the road, Maura visits Jane's grave. I do not own Rizzoli & Isles, I just take them for the occasional spin.


The distant sounds of the city filtered through the air, horns and sirens blended with the rustling of the trees and the chirping of the birds in the direct vicinity to envelop her in a comforting feeling. It was a small comfort that mingled with the dull ache that had lived in her chest for the previous five years.

She navigated the winding path in a well worn Boston Police Department tee shirt and jeans. Despite the rustling leaves the air around her felt very still and she surmised it had a lot more to do with the numbness that spread its tendrils through her chest as a matter of self defence, than anything supernatural.

Five years ago her life had been changed irreparably and it had taken a long time for existing to turn into living, and yet as she stood on the precipice of another life changing moment she found herself drawn back to the source of the dull ache the numbness was intent on eating alive.

It wouldn't be right to embark on the journey she intended without one last goodbye. She wouldn't be back, she couldn't, not if she were to commit fully to the life that had presented itself to her, but that didn't mean she would forget. On the contrary everyone in her life knew that she would never forget.

A sad sigh escaped her lips as her destination appeared in front of her. To any outsider Maura Isles looked well put together, a person visiting someone they had long grieved. She had long grieved and had even moved on to some extent, but even she wondered if she could truly let go. She had to, for her health, for her future; it was why she now stood in front of the gravestone for Jane Rizzoli.

She closed her eyes and pushed back at the defensive numbness. She needed to feel, the rawness was necessary in this moment. Her chest felt like it wanted to cave in on itself as the feelings of loss flooded back once again. A lone tear escaped and carved a lonely path down her cheek.

Maura opened her eyes and took a deep breath. "I wish that I could tell you…" she choked up in that moment, her voice trailing out. Where was she to begin? How did she tell Jane about him? It had been five years since she had been gone, and while the pain had subsided and she had done what she knew Jane would have wanted, she just didn't know how to say she was ready to move on fully.

The breeze appeared to pick up, the wind wrapping itself around her, cool to the touch. She closed her eyes, the tears beginning to fall more freely. "He holds me when the nightmares return, and he knows when to leave me be. He doesn't disparage your memory…"

She had dated several men in the previous three years, having been pushed towards living her life again by Jane's Mother. It wasn't until she met Larson that she found someone who empathised with her grief. He had shown patience and kindness and an understanding that only came from a person that knew what it was to have loved and lost. There had never been any pressure to let go or forget, to the contrary he had encouraged her to actively remember Jane for whom she was. His compassion had been exactly what she had needed in the wake of her loss and over time they had grown ever so close.

"He asked me to marry him, Jane." She dabbed at the tears on her face with a handkerchief. He had asked, and he had told her not to answer until she was ready. He did not need to elaborate further on what being ready entailed; it was what brought her to this point, because she wanted to say yes, but a part of her heart cried out in pain. She felt like she was betraying the memory of Jane.

"I know that you wouldn't want me to be alone. I know that you would want this for me… but how do I do this to you? You were taken from me too soon… how can I give him something I only ever wanted to give you? How do I commit my life to someone that isn't you?"

Maura shook her head at the fact she stood before a gravestone expecting some kind of answer. She was a scientist and she believed in empirical data, and there was nothing empirical about God and the afterlife. Still she understood the comfort that faith was known to give people; she just never thought she would find so much comfort, through the sadness, from visiting a site which held the decomposing tissue of her best friend; of her Jane, the love of her life.

She opened her eyes again and dropped her hands to her sides, where they curled into tense fists. "How do I say goodbye?"

The wind died completely, leaving Maura standing in a pocket of stillness that felt unnatural. She shook her head again. It was nothing but fanciful thinking. "Oh Jane," how she longed to see her love one more time, so much so that she was allowing the weather to play tricks on her mind.

"Maura…" the voice sounded distant, but it was unmistakeable.

Maura whipped around, but there was nothing but the path and other rows of burial plots. Now her ears were playing tricks on her. She walked delicately around the burial plot, with reverence and caution and placed a hand on the gravestone. "If only…"

"Close your eyes." The voice was stronger now, causing the medical examiner to freeze. Compelled by an unknown force, she obeyed, closing her eyes.

There was a light grazing touch across her cheek that sent chills through her spine. Maura shuddered involuntarily. If she didn't know better she could have sworn she knew that touch, but it couldn't be so. "Please…" she uttered, a pang shot through her chest.

"Marry him." The voice answered unwaveringly and seemingly from right beside her ear. "He's good for you."

Maura's mind was racing, calculating what was happening to her. Had she fallen into insanity? Had this grief she had been so careful at managing finally come to claim her? Clearly she was suffering from an auditory hallucination. "You're not real," she muttered under her breath.

An all too familiar laugh rippled through the stillness around her and then she felt it. Familiar arms wrapped her up from behind and what she would swear until her dying days was a warm breath on her neck. "I assure you I am very real."

"Let me see you," Maura begged, all the while her body instinctively, even after all the years that had passed, moulding into the apparent body wrapped around her.

"I'm not sure that will help you to say goodbye, Maura."

"Please?"

The desperation in her tone had the desired affect. Shifting her position, Jane stood beside Maura and said, "I'm right here. Open your eyes."

Maura opened her eyes and turned her head toward the voice. They went wide and she gasped in disbelief. She reached up and hovered her hand in front of the familiar defined jaw, she wanted to touch, but knew that this hallucination would surely end if she did. She didn't want it to end, not yet anyway. "Jane…"

"Maura?" Jane cocked an amused eyebrow. She brought her own hand up to the hand hovering in front of her face, and gently guided it to its desired destination. A warm sensation arced out between them.

The hazel green eyes of the medical examiner couldn't have grown any wider as the sensation of touch shot through her fingertips. She looked from her hand on the Italian's jaw to the dark pools that watched her intently. Finally coming to what she felt were her senses she jerked her hand away from Jane. "I'm hallucinating…"

"No, Maura you're not; but then I don't think your science-y brain could grasp the true reality of what's happening here. Heck my not so science-y brain certainly can't."

"But you're dead…" Maura stated matter-of-factly.

Jane sighed. The inevitable truth. "Yeah, I am."

"How… why?" Maura wasn't really sure she could believe what was happening, but if she could feel, see and hear Jane then it must be Jane; or as she feared, an incredible hallucination that would undoubtedly require a mandatory psychiatric assessment.

Jane shrugged. "Like I said, it's beyond any of our understanding. I just knew I needed to be here for you right now."

Maura looked off into the distance as a gut wrenching guilt flooded her system. "I…" she swallowed thickly, turning back to look into the dark chocolate orbs that had once been her safe haven in a storm. "I'm so, so sorry."

Jane smiled sadly; she knew what was in her love's heart. It was the curse of death. Wanting nothing more than to provide comfort to Maura but being able to do so little; it hurt. She had a chance now however to do the right thing for the one she loved with every fibre of her being. She reached out and cupped Maura's cheek, revelling in the fact the medical examiner leaned into the touch. "Live your life Maura. Love him fully. It's okay."

"He's a good man…" Maura found herself saying, "But he's not you."

It took everything within to maintain the focus to allow Maura to feel her touch, and she felt her energy fading, but still she stroked her love's cheek tenderly with her thumb. "You have to let me go now Maura."

"Jane…"

"Please," her soul ached, and if she could have cried tears she would have. She closed her eyes for a moment before summoning up the last of her strength to briefly place a chaste kiss against Maura's lips. "We'll have an eternity Maura. It's okay for him to have the next fifty years."

Fresh tears slipped down Maura's face and her lips tingled at the sensation. "I love you Jane…"

She brushed her hands over Maura's eyelids, closing them. "I love you too, Maura."

When Maura opened her eyes she was alone. "Goodbye Jane," she whispered into the air. The heaviness that suffocated her chest lifted as a feeling of calm flooded her senses. A soft smile creased her face. She didn't know if she had hallucinated or had indeed experienced a supernatural event, she just knew that she had received the closure she had needed. She let out a deep shuddering breath, cleansing her system of the last remnants of sadness. She had Jane's blessing to move forward with her life.

She placed a kiss on her fore and index fingers and pressed them down against the gravestone. "Thank you," she whispered before turning away, ready to embrace the next chapter of her life.

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 **A/N: Oh hi there. Yes it has been forever. Yes I still have other stories to finish. No I don't know when I will be updating, my muse has been pretty much non existant. I am surprised I was able to write this, which I consider a companion piece to Precious Pain and Everything I do. I do intend to finish all my stories, I just don't have a time line. I just thought I would share this. Nothing but a one shot. Thank you for all your faves and reviews from my other pieces over the past month, it reminds me to try, and I do, but I won't put out something subpar just for the sake of it.**

I hope you enjoyed this, although it was somewhat sad.


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